Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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