please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
