Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
