he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
