My friends, they love my intelligence
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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