so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
