It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
