my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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