I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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