The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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