Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
