the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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