it wasn't lemon gatorade
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
