I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
