it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
