Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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