Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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