how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
