remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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