I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
