sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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