I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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