There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
