WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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