I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
