Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
