She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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