yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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