I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
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There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
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I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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