When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
