first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
