Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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