:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
vagina is talking i cant
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
