Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
