think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The air taste purple.
Randomize
