theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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