I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
