Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
