They should really pass out barf bags in church
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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