His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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