Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
