Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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