i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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