I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
