Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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