Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
