she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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