i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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