I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
