I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
