so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
