gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
