I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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