So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I puked a lego.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
