my phone needs a breathalizer
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
Just general bites
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT