I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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