He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
