It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
