I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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