I'm so fucking centered right now
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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